By Carrera Christman
Jamie Lee Cutis’s daughter, Ruby, recently came out as transgender. The media was able to get insight into how Jamie Lee Curtis handled the situation, which in turn, could help guide how best to support your own child if you find yourself in a similar position.
As gender and sexuality become less of a nuanced topic, it is likely more parents are having these conversations with their children. The first step is to understand that gender and sex are two different things. Sex is the biological attribute a person has; gender is socially constructed, which ultimately allows it to be determined on a spectrum. Gender is fluid, and it can take time and reflection for a person to understand what makes them who they are.
Curtis’s daughter, Ruby, described her experience this way to PEOPLE magazine: “When I was about 16, a friend of mine who is trans asked me what my gender was. I told them, ‘Well, I’m male.’ After, I’d dwell on the thought. I knew I was — maybe not Ruby per se, but I knew I was different. But I had a negative experience in therapy, so I didn’t come out [as trans] immediately when I probably should have.”
Coming out at a young age can add complexity for parents. It may be difficult to process what their child has conveyed, or even question their truth. A lack of understanding is not an excuse to be anything but supportive. We’ll dive into how best to be an ally for your LGBTQ+ child.
More likely than not, before coming out, you can assume your child has thought of every scenario to best tell you about their identity. Some are much more laid back; however, others may be dreading the experience. So, when they come to you, take time to listen to them. Listening allows them to see that you care about what they have to say and understand who they are. Today, about 48% of youth identify as strictly heteronormative, which indicates that more likely than not, your child will have a conversation like this with you.
Be intentional with your words when you do speak. Nothing is worse than passing over what your child just shared. Make sure you convey that you are here for them in any capacity and that you love them no matter how they express themselves. This small action is huge to your child. It shows that your love is not conditional based on how they portray themselves.
Take time to reflect internally, just as your child has done. Many people have internalized prejudices. Navigate through why you have those prejudices and how ultimately, you can overcome them. Ask yourself the hard questions, such as “Why do I have these beliefs?’ or “Does my view affect how I view my child?” The inward reflection allows for growth because, at this time, the best thing to do is to provide love and support to your child. It will take time and effort, but your child will see your progress and work to be better. These actions will not go unnoticed.
It is significant to note that you can go to your child for their feelings and experience; however, do not rely on them for education and information. You, as the parent, should be well vested in the well-being of your child and do what you can to find out how best to support them. Your child is not there to tell you what it means to be transgender or non-binary; they are there to feel your love however they express themselves.
Understand that it took a lot for your child to open up to you about who they are. Be that person to relieve their tears and fears regarding coming out and what comes next. The best practice is to show compassion and support during this time. One thing to ask is how best you can support them. Doing so allows them to acknowledge if they need space after telling you or if they want to feel close to you. Giving them the power to determine the relationship structure allows them to feel in control of their lives.
You may have had a different plan for them. That is totally okay, but accepting that things change or do not go to your plan is important. The plan may not have included different pronouns to use or partner to love; however, it is who they are. You would want to be able to live your life the way you choose if you were in their situation. You have lived your life the way you chose. This is theirs, and they need to feel supported throughout it. It may be difficult to understand initially. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? It may take extensive education to understand how your child feels entirely, but it is who they are, and through patience and understanding, full acceptance and appreciation is possible
Identity is fluid and constantly evolving. The spectrum of how to represent yourself can be daunting, but once you find your niche, it is exciting and makes you feel seen. Your child has found a way to describe themselves in a way that makes them feel seen. Let them live the life they chose, and support them endlessly.