By Meghan Serceki
Pronouns are a way of expressing one’s gender identity; your preferred pronouns show how you identify or how you want the world to see you. Using the correct pronouns is a small linguistic change that can make someone feel exponentially more comfortable and accepted.
But for some who aren’t used to it, using pronouns outside the gender binary can be daunting. It might take some practice to adjust, and you might be nervous that accidental misuse will damage relationships. So, how should we approach these conversations?
Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself with your pronouns. Even if you’re cisgender, it’s important to take part in the dialogue. You may think it’s obvious, but making your own pronouns clear will help normalize the process and destigmatize the situation. It will also make people more comfortable sharing their own pronouns and experiences. In short, it creates a safe space for others to be themselves.
If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, it’s best not to assume them. Even if you think it’s “obvious,” gender identity is way more complex than simply presenting as masc or femme. It’s better to ask than to have them feel uncomfortable.
It may be a good idea to use they/them pronouns until you’ve had a chance to ask. They may let you know they want to be called something different, but at least you won’t accidentally misgender them in the meantime.
It might take time and practice to adjust to using people’s pronouns correctly. Depending on your experiences, it may be a novel concept to use gender-inclusive pronouns or you may not have had many opportunities to practice them. That’s okay! Just communicate.
It’s about effort. Genuinely making a mistake is very different than purposely misgendering someone.
If you feel especially nervous about making mistakes, you might want to just explain to them that it’s new to you and that you’re trying but you may slip up from time to time. Ask them how they’d like you to handle it if you make a mistake. Some may want you to move on and fix it next time to avoid drawing more attention to it. Others may want you to acknowledge the error explicitly in order to assure them that you’ve realized and didn’t mean to misuse their pronouns. It all depends on the person, and communication is key to figuring this out.
Everyone experiences gender differently, and everyone has different relationships to their preferred pronouns. It may take time to adjust, but it’s most important to try and to make it clear that you’re trying. Don’t shy away from having these conversations — they can make a huge difference.