By Meghan Serceki
Dating can be difficult for anyone, but many trans* people face a unique set of obstacles when it comes to opening up to and starting relationships with others.
In romantic relationships, there is often an expectation of total vulnerability. Being in the closet or passing as cis can cause trans* individuals to feel they are hiding something and that coming out is necessary to progressing the relationship.
However, people are not defined by their gender identity or what their body looks like or what it used to look like. Vulnerability comes in many forms, but at its core it’s about being willing to show emotion and put faith in someone. It’s something that requires support from both parties and only comes when there is trust and comfort between them. This confidence in someone forms at different rates, and there is no rulebook on when or if anyone has to open up about their gender identity.
Coming out is a big deal and holds a great deal of trepidation and fear over how the other person will react. This fear can be amplified in romantic relationships as the couple grows increasingly emotionally attached to each other.
Not everyone knows how to act when someone comes out. Some who have not experienced gender dysphoria might have questions that aren’t necessarily comfortable to answer. In these cases, they usually don’t mean harm by it, and they probably just want to know how to better support their partner. But they are not entitled to answers about any individual’s gender identity, and there are plenty of resources they can use to learn more without making their significant other uncomfortable in the process.
The worst case scenario is a cisgender partner reacting negatively to the news and rejecting or hiding their relationship. While this loss can feel heartbreaking in the moment, it has nothing to do with the trans* individual’s gender identity and everything to do with the one perpetrating the harm. People deserve to be loved fully, and if someone can’t do that it just wasn’t right.
No one is just their gender identity. A persons’ experiences of transness can be hugely impactful events that shape their character, but they do not make up the entire beautiful individual they are. The goal in any relationship is to be happy, to feel safe, and to have support from a person who respects you fully. How, if, and when you choose to reveal parts of yourself is entirely up to you, and you are only responsible for your own actions not your partner’s reactions.